Location: Forest Town, California, United States

Many people ask where Helga and I (Vinnie) met. It was at a Jesus Freak festival in the days of my squandered youth. Some brownies were going around that tasted funny and the next thing I know, I'm married to a hippie. But she was cute, and I wouldn't serve a church that hired a divorced pastor, so we are still together till Judgement Day, when I assume we will go our seperate ways. Let me (Helga) add, that it seems the Universe brought Vinnie and I together, who am I to argue. He does have a judgmental nature though, which I find unforgivable.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Top Ten Movies to Avoid: Summer 2006

10 Films to Avoid This Summer

We can all agree that the dribble Hollywood puts out every year is morally degenerate, but we may disagree on the basis of the immorality.

The Most Rev. Vinton Thingball is appalled by the sexual promiscuity, vile language and leftist politics of the film world.

Helga (Thingball) artist's, the Rev.'s wife, is disgusted by the materialism, sexism, and right-wing propaganda of movies.

Together they will keep you informed on why you should avoid the theater and your DVD player.

Vinton here, and I do want to make it clear that Helga and I have not seen the films we are herein condemning. Forbid it that we should stoop to the hypocrisy of telling you to not see a film when we had seen it ourselves.

Fortunately, it is not necessary to see a film to castigate it on moral grounds. Now if we were judging films on aesthetic grounds, it may be necessary to see it, though apparently many members of the Academy of Arts and Motion Pictures don't believe that is the case. No, to judge a film as morally bankrupt all we need to see is the advertising, a press release, sometimes only the title. So without future ado: The Top Ten Films You Should Avoid This Summer!

Vinton: #1 The De Vinci Code
Now a number of theologians, some even from your liberal Baptist and Four Square denominations have condemned this film on the basis of theology. I have heard reports that the film is based on a book that endorses Scriptural errancy and bad Christology and feminism, and if that's not enough to say, "Kiss me, Satan, I'd like another" then I don't know what is. But I am not attacking the film on those grounds today.
No, it had come to my attention that the film has something to do with Leonardo De Vinci the artist. (Which makes the title seem rather strange to me, sort of like if the advertising said the film would tell you something about a fellow named "Of Nazareth".)
Anyway, the problem with exposing people to this Leonardo character, is people may become interested in the paintings he drew. And if that is the case, it will just lead them into art museums. And you know what that means, free access to nudity. I am ashamed to admit that in my wayward youth, I went into an art museum or two, thanks to our godless public school system. And there I saw more than you see on those decadent famed topless beaches of Europe. I saw full frontal and backtual nudity of both of your sexes of the human variety.
This film may lead people to full exposure, to not just your Leonardos, but also your Ruebens and your Picassos. You are hereby warned to stay away from this film, Tom Hank's scary hair and those nudey pictures.

Helga: #2 Superman Returns

Well, it's all there in the title, isn't it? Has there every been a man that was adequate, let alone super? Correct me if I'm wrong, but had there every been a Superwomyn film? I think not. Yes, there was Supergirl, how very patronizing. What kind of role model is Helen (Who?) Slater for the young womyn of the world. And in that film we were supposed to root against Faye Dunaway, someone who in such films as Bonnie and Clyde and Network could have very well been a role model if not for her fetish for shaving under her arms.
And don't get me started on "Truth, Justice and the American Way". Oh, if only that little spaceship had landed a little outside of Havana, and the young Jose Kent could have helped Che' build prisons to reorient those with tired capitalist middle class values, then we would have a hero to cheer, even if he was male. Til then, count me, and you, out of this comic.

Vinton: #3 Miami Vice

Do I need to remind you of pink T-Shirts? And not wearing socks is the very definition of light in the loafers! You don't have to admit it, but back in the '80's didn't you had a poster of Don Johnson and Phillip Michael Thomas on the wall in your closet and you used to wonder as you looked at those two sets of twinkling eyes, and unshaven chins whether, "Maybe there are alternate lifesytles?" You know who I am, I mean, you are!
And as for all the bikinis that will be on view, we know nothing good could come of that. Along with the possibility of making Phil Collins and/or Glen Frye cool again.... Well, it reminds us that Anita Bryant maybe the only good thing that ever came out of Florida.

Helga: #4 Cars

As Al Gore reminded us in "Earth in the Balance", the single greatest danger facing our world is the infernal combustion engine. Children should be taught that automobiles are evil incarnate, not some cute little personality, that will be our favorite toy.
I have a real problem with Hollywood anthopormorphizing inanimate objects because children have difficulties distinguishing fantasy from reality. I was talking about this the other day with my raccoon companion, Snuggums. I said, "Snuggums, do you think when children see talking cars, they'll think cars think like people? I think they do." And I think Snuggums thought so, too.
(Let me take this opportunity to also condemn the auto-centric Fast and Furious 3: Tokyo Drift and Talladega Nights)

Vinnie: #5 X-Men 3: The Last Stand

The biggest problem I have with these films is the subtext. A keen observer of these films will notice that there is a message about the evils of bigotry and prejudice. Now that is fine and dandy to a point. It probably is wrong to judge someone just because they can turn your lemonade into a slushy with a touch or they have can openers sprouting out of their knuckles and whatnot.
But what if someone takes that even farther and says that it is wrong to be prejudiced against someone because of their funny accent, or long hair or even worse, their religous beliefs? It is that kind of ability to judge on the outward that makes for a more efficeint country.
And I hear that Kelsey Grammer is even bluer in this film than he was off color on Fraiser.

Helga: #6 The Break-Up

I have seen the trailer for this film, and it is not pretty. I'm all for womyn tossing out good for nothing men (though I could never leave my Vinnie any more than I could do without my companion Iguana, Bella [or she could leave me]). The real problem I have with this film, is it seems to glorify bowling as much as any film has since The Big Lebowski.
Such an ugly, male-centric sport bowling is, all that focus on balls and the ball size and how many pins the ball can bring down. Nothing but a methophor for chauvenistic conquests. And to think that I had my hopes pinned on Jennifer, after that ugly Brad buisness, to denounce maleness altogether.

Vinton: #7 A Prairie Home Companion

This film, believe it or not, is based on a radio program from NPR. Now I could see a film based on radio, if it were the Rush Limbaugh show or Sean Hannity or even Laura Ingram (though I wouldn't want any single males seeing that on DVD late at night), but a show from the National People's Republic, that is something else altogether.
Plus, this is directed by Robert Altman, of M*A*S*H and Nashville, whose trademark is overlapping dialogue, and we all know what that is there for. (And if you don't know, I'll tell you. It is so two or three dirty remarks can be said at once, but only your sub-consious mind picks it up, which means you'll probably go right out and do whatever filty thing that was said without thinking about it.)
I'm making my pledge break right now: I pledge not to see this film.

Helga: #8 Lady in the Water

May we start with the condesending term in the title, Lady? Womyn in the Water would be much less offensive. This is an M. Night Shyamalan film, which means there will probably be a twist. Which will, of course, leads everyone to think of Chubby Checker's dance the Twist, which led to undue ogling of the femyle form. Why can't the twist ever be nice in M. Night's films? How about the twist being that the aliens just want to be friends? Or that instead of seeing dead people, we could see recycling people?
And something else, the film is about a sea nymph, a mermaid like creature. Was there ever a more sexist fantasy than that? A man can then truely "catch" his mate, and throw her back into the sea if he is not pleased. Toss this film into the sea, sight unseen.

Vinton: #9 Through a Scanner Darkly

This is an animated film. But it is not for the kids. It is based on a Phillip Dick novel about drugs and madness and dark government forces.
I have a real problem with making cartoons for adults. There used to be a clear lines as to for who would watch what: cartoons were for children and sports programming was for men and your cooking shows were for woman and you didn't cross those lines. There is a place for cartoons, but a limited place. Sometimes, you need to put children in the nursury during the Sunday evening service (though it is good discipline for them to seat through the Sunday morning service) and then the childcare workers might want to have a video for the kiddies. I myself have pondered making a cartoon for the kids using the book of Judges. Capturing moments like Ehud ramming the sword in the fat king's belly and the fat encovering the sword would just be easier to animate than do in live action. The kids would love it.

Helga: #10 Snakes on a Plane

As secretary of my local chapter of PASA (People Acknowleging the Superiority of Animals), I must urge the boycott of this film that will obviously make many look on our scaly friends in a negative light.
Snakes want to get along with us, if we try to get along with them. So the next time you see a rattlesnake, don't shriek, but smile and give it a friendly shake of the tail. Remember, a boa just wants to be a buddy, a python is your pal, and a Black Mamba just wants to get along.

Well, we hope this will be a helpful guide for avoiding the multiplex this summer.

Til next time, this is Vinton Thingball saying - "A Good Sermon is all the fun you'll ever need!"

and Helga Goodearth saying - "Don't support the sexist, oppressing capitalistic Hollywood corperations, instead smell an organicly grown flower for your entertainment!"


Blogger Lea Date said...

While I'm left somewhat confused about which movies I should see...I mean NOT see, I appreciate a balanced approach to film, which you two, by offering differing viewpoints, provide.
Thank you. Thank you.

9:26 AM  
Blogger Jared said...

Very funny, I'm not sure who I like more, Helga or Vinton.

10:49 AM  
Blogger St. Matthew's Episcopal Church said...

Vinnie and Helga,

So nice to see you've decided to enter the blogoshphere! Yours is a welcome and much needed presence. I have always appreciated your deep and thoughtful insight.

What do you think of Japanese monster movies?

Jared--Helga is definitely the better looking of the two.

Rob Merola+

4:30 AM  
Blogger Lea Date said...

Have you seen a recent picture of Helga? (and no, I'm not talking about the one created by the UC Santa Cruz performance artist she met during the Peace and Harmony Festival last year. I mean an actual recent unphotoshopped depiction of the "womyn"). The years have not been kind, and she sure hasn't done anything to make them try to be.
I'd say Vinnie is aging more gracefully...the graying temples, the blow-dried 'do, the stern brow...
Oh. Maybe Jared was talking personalities. That choice is more challenging!
By the way, I'd like to know their thoughts on monster movies as well.

9:10 AM  
Blogger St. Matthew's Episcopal Church said...

Now that you mention it, Lea, Vinnie and Helga have stopped including pictures on their Christmas cards. In fact, they's stopped the Christmas cards too and gone to a text only email...Hmmm...


9:51 AM  
Blogger Lea Date said...

At least you're still on their list!

2:45 PM  

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