Location: Forest Town, California, United States

Many people ask where Helga and I (Vinnie) met. It was at a Jesus Freak festival in the days of my squandered youth. Some brownies were going around that tasted funny and the next thing I know, I'm married to a hippie. But she was cute, and I wouldn't serve a church that hired a divorced pastor, so we are still together till Judgement Day, when I assume we will go our seperate ways. Let me (Helga) add, that it seems the Universe brought Vinnie and I together, who am I to argue. He does have a judgmental nature though, which I find unforgivable.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

From the Archives: May 1999

Two Views of a Prequel

View 1: Vinton

Well, I have finally seen the highly anticipated new "masterpiece" by that bearded directing "genius" the left-wing film work had been waiting for and it grieves me to announce that the film does indeed focus on nothing but sex, sex, and more sex. And I am not talking about the lastest by Mr. Stanley "Too Good to Live in America" Kubrick.
Before I continue the discussion of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, allow me to introduce myself. I'm the Right Reverend Vinton Thingball of the Pharisaic Reformed Brethren of Law Church, and I am writing along with my lovely, gracious and sadly hellbound wife, Helga, to inform readers on the sad and disgraceful cinema scene.
Helga and I do have contrasting opinions on may subjects (as one might expect of a man who during wayward Jesus Freak years accidentally sampled some hashish loaded brownies and the Marxist, Feminist Hippie bride he married under the influence of said brownies). But we do share a common, abundant acrimony toward the modern cinema and its preponderance of petulant pollution (albeit for different reasons). And we intend to go to every screening room we can get into for free for the weeks, months, if need be years to come to alert the world to Hollywood's evil ways.
But back to our review. This is the salacious tripe one would expect from Hollywood (I know, I know, Mr. Lucas says he is outside Hollywood, but if he is such an outsider, why isn't he telling his story the way moral people do, with flannelgraphs?) Hollywood, the industry of Betty Boop fills this lastest Star Wars atrocity with innueno, flashes of lasciviousness one will not be able to easily purge from one's mind. Who will forget the blue skinned beauties tending Sebulba the pod racer's every want and need? Or the bald bikini babe by the side of Jabba the Hut? If you have seen this film, I'm sure you have dwelt on these scenes, as I have, as Mr. Lucas jams these images front and center so they'll stick in our craniums.
But it is not just the blatant debauchery you must be warned about in the film, but also the rampant New Age Occultism, from the Jedi counsel taken straight from a Masonic Temple to the talk of "micro-clorines" (which is obviously just soft-sell demonic possession for the kiddies).
So, till I get back with my review of Eyes Wide Shut (and I assure you, my eyes will be throughout the screening), I urge you not to see this film, or any other, because a good sermon is all the fun you need.

A Second View: Helga

Let me say first of all, that my husband is right about The Phantom Menace being evil, but not surprisingly, he sights all the wrong reasons. So it seems my Karmic life duty to write Vinnie's wrongs.
I will leave it to others to point to the sexist, racist, and Fascist imperialistic messages this film extols (and keep at it sister critics).
But I must take my stand, even if I am the sole voice, to point to the fact that this film is a more than willing pawn of the cosmetic industry. I must cry out at Natilie Portman's extravagant use of eyeliner as the handmaiden, Padme, let alone her full white base assault as Queen Amadala. (And if you are worried about my giving away any kind of secret here, may I remind you the publicity for this film is filled with the names of men: Liam, Evan, Jake, and even Kenny and Anthony, but only one femyle name, Natalie. And it seems the previous film featured many male names as well, but only one femyle. And if that is not bad enough, Carrie is sometimes a man's name. Of course the Queen and the handmaiden double in the program, just as the bounty hunter and the princess double in the program in Return of the Jedi, because we can't risk more than one memorable femyle presence!)
But back to Revlon. The make-up industry is built on the premise that we must hate our own skin. What could better illustrate this than putting Queen Amadala in so much make-up that she is unrecognizable and interchangeable with any other woman wearing the same make-up.
And how do we know whether any Bantas were harmed in the making of this film? I saw no disclaimers.
So why support the patriarchal make-up industry or its doppleganger the film industry with your meager wages? So till they make film stock out of biodegradable material that can be used to fertilize gardens in third world nation, you can keep your stinking aisle seats.

Yours with love, peace and bio-harmony, Helga Earthgood


Blogger Lea Date said...

Since one's vision tends to worsen with age, this reader fears that Vinton and Helga will become ever narrower in their views on film. Alas.
I hope, however,that their partnership will continue long after they have stopped judging (which will happen well after their sight goes) movies, videos, dvds, ifilms and this summer's selections.

8:59 AM  

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