Location: Forest Town, California, United States

Many people ask where Helga and I (Vinnie) met. It was at a Jesus Freak festival in the days of my squandered youth. Some brownies were going around that tasted funny and the next thing I know, I'm married to a hippie. But she was cute, and I wouldn't serve a church that hired a divorced pastor, so we are still together till Judgement Day, when I assume we will go our seperate ways. Let me (Helga) add, that it seems the Universe brought Vinnie and I together, who am I to argue. He does have a judgmental nature though, which I find unforgivable.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

From the archives: The Poseidon Adventure
Vinnie here. Apparently, in a rare show of good sense, most of the American public joined me in keeping Hollywood's dirty hands off our wallets as Poseidon premiered. (Helga here: they've fixed the lock on the back door at the Strand Theater downtown.) But I am sure many are looking for my counsel on this issue. Although I can't report on this release, I can report on the original, The Poseidon Adventure.

At the time of that film's release, Helga and I were not writing film critism. But it just so happens that I did write about this film, as I discovered while going through my sermon notes.

You see, I had a wild streak when I was young, and I often preached topically rather than expositionally. (We all have our dark secrets.) And the following is excerpted from a sermon of that time:

"Brothers and Sisters, I have a confession at this time. Last night, I attended a motion picture show. Now I am at a point of spiritual maturity in my life, that I can risk such moral contamination, a point that most of you have not achieved. I was there because of wayward bride, Helga. I just didn't feel right about her being alone at night, so when she insisted she wanted to see this new disaster picture, The Poseidon Adventure, I felt compelled to go along.

"Now most of the picture is as vile as any other piece of Hollywood tripe, but it was not wholly without artistic merit. Leslie Nielson, a stalwart actor, plays the captain of a large ocean liner. That man always brings a touch of gravitas to his roles, and when he is on the screen, you know serious films are involved. Roddy McDowell has a small role, but he brings his English charms. Let me just say, that if I was a woman, I would find that fellow irresistable. (I'm sure he has to beat the women off with a stick.) That is why you young ladies should not see this film. You young men should not see this film because of Carol Lynley in hot pants.

"But the worst thing about the film, what should keep anyone from seeing this film again, is the secular humanistic perspective of the fighting young priest played by Gene Hackman. He urges relying on one's self rather than God, a sure method for avoiding eternal air conditioning.

"But through all the dreck, I was able to find one pearl of spiritual wisdom, that I will share with you this morning. For the Poseidon is a ship that is turned upside down by a giant wave. And the only way of escape, is to go up, which to all appearance is down.

"Isn't the world a lot like this? Everything the world tells you is up, is really down, what is right is wrong, what is vanilla is really chocolate. But you don't need to see the film to learn this, because I'm telling you here myself. Because a good sermon is all the fun you need."

Helga here. I also found a way to share with you my feelings on this film. I looked in my old diary my opinion of this film at that time:

"Dear Diary,
Groovy to be with you, sis. So, like, Vinnie and I went to see the lastest piece of propaganda put out by the man to oppress the people, and it was, of course, a total bummer, except there for some cute outfits and a dreamy new song.

It was, like, about this big boat run by these big oil consuming engines (my dream is that all boats may someday be run by solar power. Or by wind power, is that possible?)

"But then, like, the boat is turned upside down by,like, a big wave (which I am sure Mother Nature had a good reason for sending), so, like, the people in the ship have to move, like, from the bottom of the boat to the top of the boat which was really from the top of the boat to the bottom of the boat, it was so trippy.

"So, like, I was rooting for Pamela Sue Martin because she had just an adorable outfit. And Gene Hackman and Arthur O'Connell were priests in the oppressive Catholic church, but they seemed nice, so I didn't really want them to die (but that didn't mean they were safe, though I don't want to spoil the film for you, Diary [Tee-Hee]).

"But then they had this pig played by Ernest Borgnine as one of the survivors. Like, how am I supposed to root for the fuzz? And his wife, played by Stella Stevens, plays a former prostitute. I mean, I'm fine with a woman doing whatever she wants with her own body, but YUCK! Any way, she ends up just wearing a man's shirt for a lot of the film, and there are a lot of camera shots of her from below, enough to make me think that perhaps the makers of the film were, in fact, treating her as a sex object!

"But I did come out with one hero in the film, Shelly Winters! Though not fitting society's ideal of beauty or size, she still proves to be the film's savior. She's one of the only people over 30 I would ever trust.

"Finally, the best thing about the film. Because, you know, 'There has got to be a morning after, If we can hold on thru the night, We have a chance to find the sunshine, Let's keep on looking for the light'. That is so GROOVY! So DEEP! So TRUE!
I don't make predictions very often, but I think this song will win an Academy Award. And a Grammy. And very probably, the Nobel. I look forward to hearing it on the radio again, and again and again."

I was perhaps a little too open at the time, too positive and submissive to corporate America's media beast. But kids will be kids. Till then, good vibrations to all. Helga


Blogger Jared said...

"You see, I had a wild streak when I was young, and I often preached topically rather than expositionally. (We all have our dark secrets.)"

This was the funniest line I have read in years.

PS. I wonder if you have to go to a christian college to get the joke.

2:24 PM  

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