Location: Forest Town, California, United States

Many people ask where Helga and I (Vinnie) met. It was at a Jesus Freak festival in the days of my squandered youth. Some brownies were going around that tasted funny and the next thing I know, I'm married to a hippie. But she was cute, and I wouldn't serve a church that hired a divorced pastor, so we are still together till Judgement Day, when I assume we will go our seperate ways. Let me (Helga) add, that it seems the Universe brought Vinnie and I together, who am I to argue. He does have a judgmental nature though, which I find unforgivable.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Tarzan: from the archives

Vinnie here. Please forgive our tardiness in posting. But fortunately, Helga and I have been able to abstain from Hollywood's lastest feeble blasphemous offerings. But if you have missed my wisdom and Helga's.. um.. perspective, here is another review from our archives circa 1999.


Many of the non-elect may think of Disney's new animated film, Tarzan, as harmless children's fun. They are not thinking through the complex moral delimas that confront one, as to even to view the film.

For instance, should I do my duty as a moral vanguard who views, then denouces Hollywood's lastest drudge and drivel when the Baptists have urged a boycott of Disney products? It goes without saying that Southern Baptists tend to have a lefty slant on things, and I fear buying a ticket may be viewed as support for the Homosexual Agenda and may lead some observers to think I am more liberal than a Southern Baptists! Meganota (for the non-Greek students, "May it never be!")

(I found a simple resolution to this situation, so as not to let down any of my dear, faithful readers. I purchased a ticket to another children's animated film, something titled, South Park, and then went to the theater showing Tarzan. I hope to present my thesis on the morality of theater switching at a later date.)

Unfortunately, my wife, Helga, was unable to attend the film with me, as she was attending a meeting a protest of fish sticks with PASA (People Acknowledging the Superiority of Animals) at a local grocery store. Even more unfortunately, many children were in attendance (what are those so-called parents thinking?) This film featuring a scantly clad man living with animals who eventually "shacks up" (to use the vulgar terms of the day) with a woman apparently without a proper church ceremony. I know what you're thinking, "That sounds more like the plot of an early 80's soft core porn flick featuring Bo Derek" and yet the ratings board had the gall to slap a so-called General Audience rating on this film.

The shocking communal, Bohemian lifestyle presented in the film is bad enough, but I have a sneaking suspecion the whole project is meant to indoctrinate young minds into Darwinism. And as for all the scences of a man and woman swinging on a vine, well you don't have to subscribe to all of Dr. Sigmund Fraud's theories to wonder about the whole enterprise.

So I urge you to skip this film (and all other films) because a good sermon is all the fun you need.

I was unable to attend this film with Vinton (the co-habitating yang to my yin) but I knew he condemned it. Some of the other members of PASA thought it would be a lark (such a lovely bird!) to see the Tarzan film. Naturally, I had my qualms about seeing a Disney film (Disney being a part of the cartel along with Ford and Microsoft that runs the US Military Industrial Complex), but little did I suspect the depths of racism, sexism and speciesism to which this film would sink.

First, the racism. Many Tarzan films of the past have presented Native Africans as inferior to European Whites. This film does not even show an Native African People, obviously because if they had, they were afraid they would be condemned for their presentation of them. So, we can safely assume, we can condemn the people of Disney for the way they would have presented Native Africans, if they had.

Next, the sexism. Jane meets Tarzan, as she is pursued my Orangutans, he, of course, rescues her. The obvious message is that men can handle like in the "jungle" (read "business world") and women can not.

Finally, the speciesism. After a long discussion over many carrot/soy milk lattes, the otherr members of PASA finally agreed with me about the prejudice inherent in making Tarzan, "Lord of the Apes". All would readily admit the world would be a better place if instead of giving another man the feudal or theological title of "Lord", we would instead make the peace loving Gorilla, Koko, President of the United States. (I doubt she even has signs for "Let's bomb Serbia".)

So I urge you not to see this picture. And until Hollywood starts to pay animal actors union scale, you can keep your stinking aisle seat.

Yours with LOve, Peace and Bioharmony, Helga


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