Location: Forest Town, California, United States

Many people ask where Helga and I (Vinnie) met. It was at a Jesus Freak festival in the days of my squandered youth. Some brownies were going around that tasted funny and the next thing I know, I'm married to a hippie. But she was cute, and I wouldn't serve a church that hired a divorced pastor, so we are still together till Judgement Day, when I assume we will go our seperate ways. Let me (Helga) add, that it seems the Universe brought Vinnie and I together, who am I to argue. He does have a judgmental nature though, which I find unforgivable.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Vinnie writes:

Leviticus 13:34: "On the seventh day the priest shall examine the scale; and indeed if the scale has not spread over the skin and does not appear deeper than the skin, then the priest shall pronounce him clean..."

You must excuse me, I do not plan to expand upon this fascinating portion of Scripture today, but I would prefer that Helga didn't read this review, and nothing makes her eyes glaze over like the Pentateuch.

For today I am writing about an actress that, to be frank, has led me on more than one occasion to have untoward thoughts. I must confess this splinter in my eye, if I hope to get those 2x4s out of your my friends. So yes, I admit I have had to repent for thoughts about this saucy vixion, this embodiment of all of the tempting flesh that the Babylon that is Hollywood had to offer. I have no doubt you have already guessed I am talking about Sandra Bullock.

I'm sure you remember when she first led America astray, on the television screen in the short lived series, "Working Girl". (I did not see the big screen version of "Working Girl", fortunately, because it was rated R and I was holding to better standards at the time, resisting Helga situational ethics, I later learned it was so rated for Melanie Griffith nakedness. There but for the grace...)

But I was not truely intoxicated by Ms. Bullock's intoxicating charms, in the films SPEED and DEMOLITION MAN. In the former she played a woman who lost her driver's license and yet drove the bus nonetheless. In the later she played a futuristic police officer who played by her own rules living on the edge (to the point of attempting vulgar expressions). Something about that combination of beauty with recklessness appeals to my sinful nature, I admit shamefully.

Now as to her current film, THE LAKEHOUSE. Do not be decieved by the MMPA lax rating of PG. In the film, Ms. Bullock both appears in a low cut blouse and at one time stands in front of a window in her night gown, and I tell you for about two seconds as the light pours through, little is left to the imagination. For this alone, I would urge ever member of the righteous male population to avoid this film in order to remain pure in heart and mind.

But there are also serious theological problems with the film's plot. It is a time-travel tale. Now in theory, it is possible to do a Calvinistically correct time-travel story. Sadly, that is not the case here.

Ms. Bulloch and Mr. Keanu Reeves share a lake house, but live two years apart in time, communicating through some sort of magical mail box. Now even though they live in different times, I was still troubled by their sharing the same abode in an unmarried state. (That is why, when single, I tried only to live in apartments that had been previously occupied by males, so I would not be tempted by any female enticing ordors or such that may have been inaventently left behind.)

As I said before, in theory, a film about time-travel may be theoloically sound if it affirms predestination, the impossibility of mortals making a difference in the history as it was ordained in every detail. (For there many moral faults, THE TEMINATOR, 12 MONKEYS and TIME RIDER got this right, and even Mr. Reeves' own BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE came closer.) But this film advocates the possibility in a change in the ordained path of time. For everything has ordained to be as it is to be. Like this sentence. And this one. And this one two. Even with the "two" instead of the "too". But THE LAKEHOUSE has love changing destiny and such rot, and there is the drinking and enjoyment of alcohol in this film, so it is obviously a work of the devil, that I must condemn.

So again I must say, avoid this film, because a good sermon (such as one about Jezebel) is all the fun you need.

Helga writes:

So Vinnie still thinks that old Levitcus ploy will throw me off... hasn't worked for years. Fortunately, I know how to keep Vinnie from reading what I write. I need to do nothing. If something has been written in a century that begins with 2 and has four numerals, he won't read it.
So I am free to express my carnel passion for that dreamy man of men, Keanu Reeves.
Though I could not fully with moral conviction recommend any of his films, there is something about the way this great thespian says "Whoa" that has always warmed my soul.
When he said "Whoa" in BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, he was saying "Whoa" to our current capalitalistic, militeristic superstructure, let's have a culture based on peace, partying and rock and roll instead.
When he said "Whoa" THE MATRIX, he was saying "Whoa" to a materialistic culture that makes human beings into little more than batteries.
When he said "Whoa" in FEELING MINNESOTA, JOHNNY MNEMONIC, and CHAIN REACTION, he was "Whoa" to the very crappy films he was appearing in.
But sadly, Keanu does not once say "Whoa" in this film. He plays an architect and contractor who makes houses out of wood! Why couldn't he have said "Whoa" to the destruction of the homes of our woodland friends to make our homes. The character admires the tall monstrosities of sky scrapers of Chicago. Why can't we all live in hogans?
He also portrays an "owner" of a canine equal, Jack. We at PASA frown on such things. (Sandra "owns" the dog too, who seems to be a time traveler, and I was not only offended by this all, it also confused me greatly.)
And they use up so much paper writing back and forth to each other, how many trees lost their lives? Why couldn't she just write, I'm going to be at the Green Day concert June 7th, be there or be square.

So sadly, I can not recommend this film, but I can recommend recycling, yoga, and celebrating your inner woman, even if you are a man.

Sincerely, Helga


Blogger Lea Date said...

Preach it Helga! Inner women for everyone...carriers of inner children, allowing for all of us to go on forever.

I think.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Jared said...

Vinton and Helga

I don't know how you could talk about Keanu without talking about the often panned, yet wonderful, sequel to Excellent Adventure.

Thats right, I believe it about time that Bogus Journey got its fair share of recongnition.

11:06 PM  

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