AVOID THE THIRDS

Vinnie here:
People in my congregation have already begun to ask me, "Which of the Big Summer Blockbusters should we avoid?"
There is a simple answer to that, of course, which is everything that Hollywood puts out. But people expect more detailed information from this blog and that is what Helga and I intend to provide. And there is an easy place to begin this summer - avoid all the sequels that are the third in a series and you'll be off on a good start (or Hollywood non-start). Helga will give us the first to skip:

Helga says - Stay out of Spiderman's 3rd Web

I have a long standing policy of avoiding films with 'man' in the title. We live in such a sexist and specisist society that I try to avoid subjecting myself to films that further glorify males. But I made the mistake of not following this policy with the first two Spiderman films. It was the 'Spider' in the title that lured me in. As an active member of PASA (People Acknowledging the Superiority of Animals) I was hoping for something that would support our arachnid friends. But real arachnids play a minor role in the first film and are almost no where to be seen in the second, and I don't expect better from the third. And as if we didn't already have enough of 'man' with Spiderman himself, I hear this film also has a 'Sandman'. If you ask me there has not been a comic book film of any quality since "Catwoman", though I can't even recommend the DVD of that, inspite of Halle Berry's fine feline performance, until it is retitled "Catwomyn".

Vinnie says - Stay away from "Shrek 3"

It's bad enough that this films delve so deeply into the occult with the magic spells and such. And the bodily function humor of the first two films was deplorable. But I understand that this film introduces the baby of Shrek and Fiona which means they... I refuse to think about it, and you should as well. I mean, those large, green body parts intertwining...Helga, do the next film.

Helga says - Don't see "Pirates of the Carribean 3: The Long, Slow Boat Past China to the Last Reel"

I understand that this film features Keith Richards as Jack Sparrow's father. I oppose any appearance by Keith Richard's because looking at him further perpetuates the stereotype that illegal drugs are harmful. I blame the alcohol and the fear of Mick Jagger's tongue in his ear for his ghastly looks and speech.

Vinnie says keep out of "The Bourne Ultimatum"

Sure, the United States government is full of evil, corrupt people with dark motives in such places as the IRS and the DMV. But I refuse to believe that the CIA and the other 'intelligence' agencies pose a threat to anyone.

Helga says 'I don't care how dreamy George Clooney is, don't see "Ocean's 13"

Is there anyplace that oppresses womyn more than Las Vegas and all those other gambling halls with the waitress' with skirts that are slightly higher than their bustlines? I think not. Don't gamble on this film (though I think they added a few more stars this time - Al Pacino and Tony the Tiger and Charro just for starters).

Vinnie here again saying this is just a start on the films to avoid this summer, remember, a good sermon is all the fun you need.