TOP TEN MOVIES FOR THE END OF THE YEAR 2006

Vinton here:

Besides summer, Hollywood's biggest filth spewing time is, of course, the time of our Savior's birth. So though, it is always best to avoid the theater all together, here are the worst of the worst.

THE HOLIDAY The biggest problem in this film is not the cast. Sure it has Kate Winslet, noted trollep and nude model from Titanic. And Cameron Diaz, one of three women who tried to ruin the word, 'Angel'. And Jack Black, who I suspect has used drugs at some time in his life. And Jude Law who is very English. No, the biggest problem with this film is the title. Just like those lilly livered clerks at the department stores that say "Happy Holidays" rather than "Merry Christmas". At least, for their many, many faults, the film industry used to be willing to comercialize Chirstmas by name. And then they come up with a chicken hearted title like this one.

Helga here, with my first film to avoid: CHILDREN OF MEN

The premise of this film is that people are suddenly unable to conceive, and that is presented as a bad thing. Wouldn't it be a wonderful thing? As treasurer of my local chapter of PASA (People Acknowledging the Superiority of Animals) I believe it would be a great thing if people would fade away, and the planet would be dominated by noble beasts like the vole and flea.

Vinton: Dreamgirls
Another "Musical" celebrating rock and roll. Sure they may call it soul or R'n'B, but it's still rock 'n' roll to me. This film is a fictional story about the beginnings of the Supremes or Ronettes or some such group. Sure, there might have been something to say for the McDonald/Edie musicals. But I ask, if Hollywood has to make musicals, why not musicals featuring the great hymns of the faith.
"A Mighty Fortress: The Musical" or "Old Rugged Cross: The Musical" (Gibson could know that one out of the ballpark). And it has Eddie Murphy. Don't support potty mouths.

Helga: THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Will Smith goes from being a homeless man with a son to becoming a stock trader. And this is presented as a good thing. Being homeless, one is free of material constraints, free to become one with oneself and the earth. Oh, to spend every night in the elements rather than in a man made abode (but Vinton is so conventional about these things). The film presents joining the souldss corperate world as a good thing. Sadly, this is based on a true story. And Smith is introducing his own son, who portrays his son, to borgouis ideals.

Vinton:BABEL
Sadly, this is not a recreation of the Biblical tale. Brad Pitt took time away from his tatooed trollop (who, he says, he will not marry till gay marriage is legalized, and I believe he will not wash his hair till all shampoo companies stop experimented with animals)to star in this film with that plain Blanchett woman. I think the point of the film is we don't communicate enough in this world, and that is the problem with this world. I don't think that's the world's problem. The Muslims are communicating pretty clearly they want to kill us. And if there is a problem with communication, then the whole world should learn English. If it was good enough for God to use for the KJV, it should be good enough for everyone else.

Helga: NOTES FROM A SCANDEL
I believe I have seen this whole film, having seen the preview. Cate Blanchett stars in this film (and she is not plain, as Vinton implies, but beautiful, as all women are with the possible exception of Pamela Anderson and Anna Nicole Smith for reasons I won't go into here) as a teacher who has an affair with a student leading to blackmail from a jealous Judi Dench. Why must we continue to spread the myth that there are consequences to sexual behavior? Everyone should be free to love anyone or anything there heart leads them to. With the exception of Vinton, of course.

Vinton: LETTERS FROM JIMA
This story claims to tell the story of that great WWII battle from the Japanese side. Why should we have to listen to losing side? That's why we win wars, so we can say we were right and they were wrong and so shut up about it. I would think we would have learned our lesson in Vietnam. We lost, so we had to put up with a bunch of bellyaching film makers (yes, you Misters Stone and Coppola). We won, which means the John Wayne version of this war is all we will ever need.

Helga: THE LIVES OF OTHERS
This film takes place in East Germany in 1984, and presents communism in a very bad light. During the reign of communism in Eastern Europe, Hollywood quite rightly did not try very often to show any thing bad about life in those countries. After the worst scandel in world history, the Hollywood Blacklist, we should always and forever more cut communism slack. As I believe Joseph Stalin said, communism is the worst polical system, except for democracy and all the rest.

Vinton: VENUS
This film is about the enormously old Peter O'Toole taking some young girl under his wing. The title refers to another god, than the one God. 'Nuff said.

Helga: THE NATIVITY STORY

This is the Christmas story. Why force Muslims, Jews, Druids, Hindus, Wiccans and all the other religions followers that all true to be exposed to Christianity, the one religion in all the world that is judmentaland therefore bad. If it was just the story of Mary, it might be alright, but from what I've heard, it's about Jesus and Joseph as well. And let me make it clear, Vinton and I have seen none of the films we are hereby condemning. And so you should not see them either.

Vinnie here:

I'm sorry it has been so long since I posted. But you see, I accidentally saw, brace yourselves, two R rated films, and I wanted to wait till they were our of theaters, so no one would say, "Well, Pastor Vinnie saw this film, so it's all right for me to see it." I know how you teenagers are. And you deacons.

I assure you, I had no idea these were R rated. The poster for "Little Miss Sunshine" had the rating covered at my local multiplex by a small sign for free popcorn on Tuesdays. I went in to the show thinking it was a return to the wholesome fun of the Shirley Temple era. Those were the days, the little moppet tap-dancing with a kindly elderly man or servant. (Not that I normally approve of dancing, but I think tap may have been the kind of dancing refered to in Scripture as it does not put men and women in compromising positions of body parts touching nor does it involve the Devil's music, rock and roll.)
But this was no Shirley Temple movie. This movie had a filthy mouthed, drug addict grand father, swearing of all kinds, and a child dancing to rock and roll music. But there was worse. There was a homosexual character. The most insidious thing about this character is the writers occasionally had this chararter say things I agreed with. He bad mouthed the positive thinking movement, which I have been bad mouthing for years. And he was funny, but not in a stereotypical frilly way. I liked this character, and that obviously can't be a good thing.
But even worse, there was a young man in the film who read Neechee and had a T-Shirt that read, "Jesus Was Wrong". If that shouldn't have earned the film an NC-17 rating, I don't know what should.
The other R rated film I saw was "The Departed". You must understand, I thought the film was a part of Tim LeHaye's "Life Behind" series. It had sex, violence, swearing, Catholicism, every known vice I tell you. The less said about it the better.
I will not be away so long this time. The gracious (though sadly Hell bound) Helga will join me soon with a list of films to avoid during the Christmas season.

And remember, a good sermon is all the fun you need, Pastor Vinton