Location: Forest Town, California, United States

Many people ask where Helga and I (Vinnie) met. It was at a Jesus Freak festival in the days of my squandered youth. Some brownies were going around that tasted funny and the next thing I know, I'm married to a hippie. But she was cute, and I wouldn't serve a church that hired a divorced pastor, so we are still together till Judgement Day, when I assume we will go our seperate ways. Let me (Helga) add, that it seems the Universe brought Vinnie and I together, who am I to argue. He does have a judgmental nature though, which I find unforgivable.

Friday, August 31, 2007

Top Ten Fall Films of 2007 to Avoid

Helga here:

My next film to avoid is "Alvin and the Chipmunks". I know what some of you are saying, "Surely Helga, this film is harmless! No animals were harmed in its making, they're computer generated!"
Sure, just as the previous incarnation used animation. But do you think the images of clothes wearing chipmunks come purely from the imagination? I'm afraid not. I have it on an impeccable authourity that in order to make the cartoon, real chipmunks were dressed in clothing to serve as models. And certain surgical procedures were needed so that their voices would have that high pitch.
Now I don't know if such models were used for this new film, but even if they didn't, what is to keep little kids who see the film from thinking "I want have my own pet chipmunk and put it in clothes and have it sing annoying Christmas carols." It will be worse than the annual Easter bunny adopted and abandoned plague.
This film stars Jason Lee as David Seville, the companion (owner? father? parmour?) of the poor little creatures (Alvin, Simon and Theodore). Wasn't it bad enough that Lee ruined many happy childhood memories voicing Underdog this summer?

I see no good karma coming from viewing this film.

Top Ten Films to Avoid in the Fall of 2007 Continued:

Vinton says - Don't see "Fred Claus"

Now no one appreciates a good laugh in a suitable time at an acceptable time more than I do. My sermons often begin with a humorous little story that mocks the theological ignorance of children. And I will even admit there are times I have chuckled at comical moments on the silver screen. For instance, I remember being convulsed with laughter watching Tim Conway in 1977's "Billion Dollar Hobo". Now I wouldn't recommend your trying to locate this film because that was a long time ago and it may have had objectionable material I can't currently recall. I was also amused by many films with that comic genius Dean Jones (in the films made by Disney before they began to allow patrons with obsence and pink t-shirts into their parks.)

But most screen comedies these days try to get laughs at the expense of body parts and functions God obviously wanted hidden or He wouldn't have provided Adam and Eve with furs (sorry, Helga, it's right there in Genesis.)

Now I understand they're going to market this film for "families". But if that is so why isn't it G? No, it is PG which means it has the usual Hollywood debauchery that "parents" are supposed to "guide" there children through.

Plus this film is part of the Santa Claus cult trying to steal the Christ out of Christmas and replace it with an X. And we all know what an X means in Hollywood. (Actually, I would expect these days the folks on the left coast to call the day NC17mas.)

Worse yet, Santa is played by Paul Giamatti, yes the same man who starred in Sideways, the salute to drunkeness. Is Santa going to be filling he stockings with Boone's Farm products?

And the title character is played by Vince Vaughn who I understand played a "Swinger".

Two more words of warning, no make it four, "Frank Stallone: as himself".

I don't think I need to say anymore except to remind you that the opening anecdote taken from Reader's Digest at the beginning of a sermon is all the funny you really need.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


My next film this fall that is obviously moral indefensible is "Sweeney Todd". This a musical about a barber that kills customers and his lover that makes people into pies. Now you might not see the offensive nature of this may not be apparent. But as treasurer of my local chapter of PASA (People Acknowledging the Superiority of Animals), I am opposed to eating all meat, even human. If a Johnny Depp fan (I certainly understand the appeal) may think after seeing this film that cannablism is OK. If someone has no problem with this, how far is that from eating a pig or a cow or a cute little puppy dog pie. The maker of this film, Tim Burton, previously advocated the eating of processed sugar in that Charlie film, so it is not surprising to see he now advocates something very different from a vegaterian diet.


"The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford"

Now people will probably trying to justify this film in the same way they defend those Satanic Harry Potter films. "Oh, the film gets kids to read, they have to read that whole title." But what are they reading about? Okay, not Potter satanism, but violence.
We all know how all the kids go around playing their cowboys and Indian games. But they should all be wanting to play the good cowboy: John Wayne or preferably Roy Rogers or Tom Mix. But instead the moral degenerates of Hollywood want our young boys to identify with the outlaw, Jesse James. It's Bonnie and Clyde all over again.
Look for a rash of bank and stage robberies in the next ten to fifteen years.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Fall Films to Avoid

Vinnie says:

People have been asking me, "Vinnie, what films in the fall of 2007 should I avoid?"

I always say, "Every single one of them because Mel is not making a film based on Scripture and Cecil B. DeMille is dead." But they still ask. So over the next few days my lovely, but utterly heathen wife, Helga will be telling you which ten films you should most avoid from the moral perspective.

My first film to avoid:

"The Golden Compass"

If you thought those pagan Narnia films were horrible with their magic and creatures that could only come to fruition through the unnatural union of humans and animals (Horse-men, goat-men, disgraceful) than you will truly hate this film that promotes more magic than a Harry Potter film. Even the anti-God press, Entertainment Weekly points out the film's blasphemy, noting "Clergymen who kidnap children. Witches who aren't wicked. Even a pair of sexually ambiguous angels." If you thought Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig had brought enought pain and suffering in the world this summer with "The Invasion", that was nothing compared to this film. They pretended that aliens would take over people's life in that film, but this film will lead to demons to take over actual children. This film will be high on my list of film not only to boycott but also protest.

Helga says to skip:

"I Am Legend"

"The last man on earth, is not alone!" This time the last man on Earth is Will Smith. Before the last man on Earth was Charlton Heston. Before the last man on Earth was Vincent Price. Notice a pattern here? Why is it never the last Womyn on Earth? Typical science fiction male chavinism. Dramatically, I guess it makes sense, a womyn alone on the planet could get along just fine, thank you very much. But these films always make it seem like getting rid of all the men on the planet would be a BAD thing. I'm not sure Mother Earth agrees.